Humor in Human Resources



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Corporate North America

Office Dictionary

Real Resumes

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Corporate North America

You know you work in Corporate North America in the 90's if:

* You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.

* Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

* Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

* When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.

* You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

* Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

* Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

* Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

* You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

* Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.

* You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.

* It's dark when you drive to and from work.

* Communication is something your group is having problems with.

* You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

* Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.

* Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the  hospital.

* You're already late on the assignment you just got.

* When 100% of your time means 200 hours.

* You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"

* Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cubicle.

* Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you."

* Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January.

* Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".

* Nepotism is encouraged.

* The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cubicle.

* You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

* You read this entire list and understood it.



Office Dictionary

"COMPETITIVE SALARY":  We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY":  We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE":  We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED":  You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED":  Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY":  Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL":  We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED":  Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON":  If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE":  We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:"  You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST":  You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS":  You'll have the rsponsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS":  Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE":  I pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES":  I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK":  I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M PERSONABLE":  I give lots of unsolicited personal advice.
"I AM ADAPTABLE":  I've changed jobs a lot.
"I AM ON THE GO":  I'm never at my desk.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED":  The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.



Real Resumes

The following were taken from real resumes and cover letters. They were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune magazine:
1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3. I received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
7. Its best for employers that I not work with people.
8. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
9. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
10. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if evey forget details.
11. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
12. Marital status: single, Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No  commitments.
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to  my resume on my office voice mail.
15. I have become completely paranoid, trusing completely no one and  absolutely nothing.
16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in  meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
17. I procrastinate, expecially when the task is unpleasant.
18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a midwest chain store.
21. Note: Please dont misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never  quit a job.
22. Marital status: often. Children: various.
23. Reason for leaving last job: they insisted that all employees get to  work by 8:45 am every morning. I could not work under those conditions.
24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous  employers.
25. Finished eight in my class of ten.
26. References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
Actual lines out of US military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report):
1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3. A room temperature IQ.
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all  together.
5. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
6. Bright as Alaska in December.
7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
8. So dense, light bends around him.
9. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
10. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
12. Wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.
Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:
1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
2. I would not breed from this officer.
3. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire  satisfaction.
4. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
5. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
6. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
7. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve  them.
8. He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.
9. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a  trap.
10. This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.




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